The Sperminator

That's what pundits are calling Arnold Schwarzenegger, movie star and former governor of California, after it came out this week that he'd fathered a 14-year-old boy with his family's housekeeper -- apparently born the same week that his "legitimate" son Christopher was born. The boy's mother apparently slept with Arnold lots of times under his wife's nose -- and in his and his wife's bed, too. And she continued to work for the family until this year; it's now unclear whether she quit or was fired by Arnold to keep his wife from seeing how much the boy looked like him.

Frankly, I don't think marital betrayal gets much cruder than this. Yes, his wife's uncles (JFK and RFK) were world-class womanizers, but even they weren't so low as to sleep with a household worker with whom their wife was friendly. (That didn't stop her cousin Michael Kennedy, who supposedly had an affair with the teenaged babysitter, but he died in a skiing accident shortly after that was revealed, in a sort of poetic justice.) This rates right up there with his wife's Uncle Teddy killing Mary Jo Kopechne. Even though Maria Shriver is divorcing him and his kids are contemplating changing their last names from Schwarzenegger to Shriver, Arnold still hasn't earned full entry into the Kennedy Crime Family until he snuffs someone.

Back in the 1980s, "Hans and Franz" (Dana Carvey and Kevin Nealon) used to do a Schwarzenegger parody where they wanted to "pump ... you up." If they were going to do it today, perhaps they would be more accurate and tell the women in the audience that they want to "knock ... you up."

Ugh. Woody Allen has a new companion in the list of all-time Hollywood sleazebags.